Perkins’ Blog – Natural Consequences: The Month Before Christmas

By Nick Perkins, ProWrestling.net Staffer (@WesternRebel)

It’s like they’re mad at us. I’ve heard other writers refer to watching Raw as a “chore,” but I’ve never completely felt that way myself. This week changed all that. This was the first Raw, possibly ever, that I DVR’d ALL the way through and ended up turning off before it was even over. It was that bad. Given that very little news of interest has come out of this week, I decided to get creative. The holidays are in full swing now, and people are really feeling the Christmas Spirt. Because of this, I decided to channel my inner-Clement Clarke Moore and this was the result.

The lesson to be learned here?

The Natural Consequence of Raw being hella-boring is Perkins writing bad poetry.

‘Twas the month before Christmas, and all ‘cross the land

The wrestling business was run by a vengeful McMahon

His ideas were baffling, his logic was flawed

We’d rather get ten pounds of coal than re-watch this week’s Raw

“Wrestling used to be fun!” fans now cry out in anger

Then, Austin retired and old age claimed the Taker

Hulk Hogan sounds like a racist and the Rowdy One’s dead,

Triple H wears a suit, HBK shaved his head

Our heroes are missing, there’s nothing to feel

We had one with Bryan, but they just turned him heel

The fans curse the writers, but there’s nothing to gain

At the feet of the wrestlers is where McMahon lays the blame

On Dash and on Dawson, on Paige and the Bellas

On Roman, Braun Strowman, R-Truth and Carmella

On top of the world is where McScrooge must live

But our patience is waning; we have far less to give

It’s not hard to tell stories over the course of three hours

We just want heroes and villains, courage and cowards

Instead, we get Shane calling himself the world’s best

And don’t get us started on Baron Corbin’s vest

Or his hairline, or mic skills, or his wrestling in general

Instead of watching his segments, we’ll stab ourselves in the femoral

Lesnar’s the champ but seems to always go missing

And Vince is too busy finding asses for kissing

But the time’s drawing near, now our loyalty’s shifting

There is smoke from a bullet and our spirits are lifting

Yes, McMahon is the best, he’ll probably never be beat

But there’s a tide coming soon and it’s called the Elite.

Nick Perkins is a world (okay, state)-renowned writer who dreamt of being a professional wrestler, until he realized that he was a) the opposite of athletically gifted and b) really, really afraid of being hurt. So he became a writer instead, and has been proclaimed (by himself, as well as close friends and relatives) to be a ‘natural.’

Check below for the new Pro Wrestling Boom Podcast with Jason Powell and Jonny Fairplay discussing WWE Raw’s struggles, All Elite Wrestling, Johnny Impact on Survivor, and Drake Maverick’s gimmick infringement.