By Nick Perkins, ProWrestling.net Staffer (@WesternRebel)
It’s like they’re mad at us. I’ve heard other writers refer to watching Raw as a “chore,” but I’ve never completely felt that way myself. This week changed all that. This was the first Raw, possibly ever, that I DVR’d ALL the way through and ended up turning off before it was even over. It was that bad. Given that very little news of interest has come out of this week, I decided to get creative. The holidays are in full swing now, and people are really feeling the Christmas Spirt. Because of this, I decided to channel my inner-Clement Clarke Moore and this was the result.
The lesson to be learned here?
The Natural Consequence of Raw being hella-boring is Perkins writing bad poetry.
‘Twas the month before Christmas, and all ‘cross the land
The wrestling business was run by a vengeful McMahon
His ideas were baffling, his logic was flawed
We’d rather get ten pounds of coal than re-watch this week’s Raw
“Wrestling used to be fun!” fans now cry out in anger
Then, Austin retired and old age claimed the Taker
Hulk Hogan sounds like a racist and the Rowdy One’s dead,
Triple H wears a suit, HBK shaved his head
Our heroes are missing, there’s nothing to feel
We had one with Bryan, but they just turned him heel
The fans curse the writers, but there’s nothing to gain
At the feet of the wrestlers is where McMahon lays the blame
On Dash and on Dawson, on Paige and the Bellas
On Roman, Braun Strowman, R-Truth and Carmella
On top of the world is where McScrooge must live
But our patience is waning; we have far less to give
It’s not hard to tell stories over the course of three hours
We just want heroes and villains, courage and cowards
Instead, we get Shane calling himself the world’s best
And don’t get us started on Baron Corbin’s vest
Or his hairline, or mic skills, or his wrestling in general
Instead of watching his segments, we’ll stab ourselves in the femoral
Lesnar’s the champ but seems to always go missing
And Vince is too busy finding asses for kissing
But the time’s drawing near, now our loyalty’s shifting
There is smoke from a bullet and our spirits are lifting
Yes, McMahon is the best, he’ll probably never be beat
But there’s a tide coming soon and it’s called the Elite.
Nick Perkins is a world (okay, state)-renowned writer who dreamt of being a professional wrestler, until he realized that he was a) the opposite of athletically gifted and b) really, really afraid of being hurt. So he became a writer instead, and has been proclaimed (by himself, as well as close friends and relatives) to be a ‘natural.’
Check below for the new Pro Wrestling Boom Podcast with Jason Powell and Jonny Fairplay discussing WWE Raw’s struggles, All Elite Wrestling, Johnny Impact on Survivor, and Drake Maverick’s gimmick infringement.