Diva on Divas Week 9: Dot Net's resident diva on Total Divas - The Divas return with SummerSlam, urine, parties, a whole lot of feelings, John Cena's injury, and more!

Posted in: Pruett's Blog, MUST-READ LISTING
Nov 14, 2013 - 01:00 PM

By Will Pruett

Guess who's back. Back again. Total Divas is back. Tell a friend.

I wish I lived in the world of Total Divas. Sure, I would have to put up with more poop jokes and urine-stained wrestling tights than I would prefer, but wrestling would be much more interesting. In this world, the matches are staged, but somehow the finishes are real. In this world dogs can pee in planters without consequence all over Los Angeles. In this world, Daniel Bryan won the WWE Championship and SummerSlam had a happy ending.

Alas, I don't live in the Total Divas world, I only get to view it. Watching the show this week was like meeting up with an old group of friends you've learned to live without. I suddenly remembered why I don't like hanging out with Ariane. Seeing Vinnie didn't make me think of the good times we've had together, rather it reminded me of why I left him. John Cena made me judge him due to his weird sense of humor and weirder sense of honor. Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan made my heart smile in the best possible way.

Basically, the returning Total Divas was refreshing! It was primarily because it was the show I remembered it to be. I do imagine this show would be more compelling if you weren't watching WWE actively. As a wrestling fan, it comes off as a hokey version of what may be happening backstage. As a person tuning in without prior knowledge of WWE events, it could be very fun, instead of occasionally frustrating.

I'm glad that in reality, we get a look in at reality on occasion. This show gives us an odd taste, not just of WWE, but of how WWE sees itself. Maybe more can be gained from watching Total Divas than an hour of mindless entertainment and poop jokes from John Cena. Is it possible this reality show is deeper than we thought.

(No, it's not. The show is wonderfully vapid.)

Picking up the pieces:

- Natalya said she enjoyed brunch in a way that made it seem like a regular thing. In who's life is brunch a regular thing? Brunch is a luxurious experience and should be monthly, at the most. Brunch is not meant to be common. It's better than common. Natalya is taking brunch for granted.

- Even in the pages of Maxim, Eva Marie has all the personality of a cardboard box. She is a symbol of the vapidity of the show in general.

- What was with Ariane's sudden road rage? Traffic can be frustrating, but I have never gotten out of my car to throw a beverage at another car. What beverage was that anyways? I'll bet Ariane is the type of person who drinks Frappuccinos (the worst type of person).

- The Uso dating Trinity was the most normal person in the rage car. Stay cool, Uso. I believe in you.

- I never thought I would ever hear the sentence "You're like a wild stallion" used negatively until Natalya did so. Weird.

- John Cena pooping is not what I tune into any television show to hear about. It's bad enough that this happened, but I've had multiple friends see articles on this and tell me about it. I don't care and I don't care to know. Much like when Steve Austin's podcast randomly descends into discussions of wrestlers pooping, this is lowbrow idiotic humor. I'm better than this.

- How bad does it make the WWE medical team look if Nikki Bella was the first person to know about John Cena's elbow tennis ball? I assume he at least has to get physically cleared to wrestle, right?

- Ariane is apparently realizing she has anger issues. I'm going to assume crying about them was all the working through them she needed to do.

- Vinnie is back? At least he didn't almost physically abuse someone on this episode. Maybe the big twist this season is Vinnie finally hitting someone and getting killed. The first half of the season ended with a wedding, could this one end with a funeral?

- What kind of sick person goes to a Eva Marie autograph signing? How desperate do you have to be to meet someone on television to stoop this low?

- Apparently you can get more desperate. You could dress up like Eva Marie and dye your hair to look like her. This was a frightening look into the lives of some people. I'm a fan of cardboard and all, but I don't need it to have red hair.

- Sometimes I actually feel a twinge of guilt when watching this show. One such moment was when Brie Bella and Natalya were excited about what I considered a filler match on SummerSlam. It hurts the story of this show to actually watch (and closely follow) WWE along with it.

- The sign Eva Marie was excited about almost looked professionally produced. It's not like anyone would plant a sign though, right? WWE has never done so.

- Brie Bella's ring gear for SummerSlam was quite cute. Is there any doubt she's great?

- As great as Brie was, her match with Natalya (apparently the best in Natalya's career), was not very good. It was simply filler. SummerSlam was a pretty good show, but this match wasn't why.

- Eva Marie apparently has some unknown grudge with The Bella Twins. I watched the first part of the season pretty closely, but I still don't understand where this grudge came from.

- The end of this show would have been the perfect end for SummerSlam. Daniel Bryan wins the WWE Championship. John Cena takes off for six months. This is probably what should have happened in August.

In the next five weeks on Diva on Divas: A lot of drinking and chanting, some bathing suits, Vinnie tries wrestling, Brie Bella and Daniel Bryan fight, Eva Marie fails at announcing, and an adorable proposal.

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