Diva on Divas Week 5: Dot Net's resident diva on Total Divas - A serious lack of birthday sex for Natalya, mommy issues hurt TJ Wilson, daddy issues abound with The Bella Twins, and a Funkadactyl fight!

Posted in: Pruett's Blog, MUST-READ LISTING
Aug 29, 2013 - 04:00 PM

By Will Pruett

I know I may miss details sometimes, but you must know I cannot be as oblivious as TJ Wilson. Wow. Enjoy the recap!

I know on my birthday, I don't expect much. I like to get together with friends. I like to see my family. Sometimes, I like to get a present or two. I tend to drink some sort of decent to good locally brewed beer. I turn off Facebook notifications on my phone because people I hardly know cannot resist wishing me the very best day. Oh! And I like to enjoy some quality time, probably alone, with my significant other (in this case, my far-more-beautiful-than-Brie-Bella wife, Kristi). These are not uncommon birthday desires. Most people's lists would look the same (aside from those crazies on MTV's My Super Sweet 16). Natalya's list also looks similar.

Sadly, Natalya did not have the opportunity to have most of this list accomplished for her. Sure, she saw some friends (mostly co-workers, but also friends), saw family (although it wasn't the family she wanted to see), probably was given at least one gift, and had some alone time with her significant other. Sadly, this alone time was in transit to see TJ's family, who he had made plans with for the entirety of Natty's "birthday week" (which she incessantly referred to, although a "birthday week" is not a real thing. It's a day, not a week).

Last week we saw Natalya speak about desiring romance from TJ Wilson and TJ decided a courthouse wedding was the best way to go about it. He ignored Natty in lingerie and watched Daniel Bryan instead. Basically, TJ looked absolutely clueless and this relationship looked hopeless. There was a glimmer of hope at the end, but this week. Said glimmer is gone.

Instead of asking Natty to rock some of the lingerie he previously ignored for her birthday and treating her special. TJ decided to make plans with his mom, insist that Natty stay where she will be in bed with his mom and not him, and even invite his sister along. Family may be important, but TJ is overstating the importance of family and completely ignoring the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with.

There are repercussions for TJ's actions. Among them is a sad Natty going for a special birthday spray tan. Her spray tan technician happens to be an old friend and a wrestler on the Calgary indie scene (actually a decent career for an indie wrestler). While being turned bronze and orange on her various body parts, Natty reconnects with this friend.

When TJ picks dinner at his sister's instead of a "birthday week" special dinner with Natalya, she has a special dinner with the Tan Man. At this dinner, said bronze statue of a man decides to proclaim his undying love for Natty. Crazy, right? Proclaiming love, in an empty restaurant, with cameras present! Who wouldn't fall for this?

This entire situation was left up in the air. Perhaps Natty decided it was future Natty's problem. Poor future TJ is going to have to actually do something mildly intelligent, which he has proven he is incapable of.

Picking up the pieces:

- Nikki Bella was all about learning languages on this show. One language was Chinese, which John Cena can speak (who saw that coming?). The other language was the ability to communicate with her father. This lead to one of the most uncomfortable/compelling scenes this show has produced. The meeting between the Bella's and their father was fairly touching.

- I went go-kart racing as a part of my bachelor party (the non-drinking portion) a few years ago. I didn't end up fighting anyone. I didn't win races. The winner of said races did have the opportunity to taunt everyone. No one actually pushed him. Maybe we're all just better people than Trinity and Ariane.

- Seriously though, either the Funkadactyl drama was ridiculously staged (likely) or they are two of the most petty people in the world with surprisingly high paying jobs for a very small amount of work. Should I actually like them? This show has done a decent job of humanizing some of the characters, but it made these girls looks terrible.

- To continue from my first Diva on Diva's piece, the world of Total Divas continues to oddly mix the wrestling world and the real world. One such case happened to be the singles matches Trinity and Ariane ended up in because of their reluctance to partner together. They apparently had bad matches, but it wasn't clear what made them bad. Did losing these matches make them bad or did they turn in bad performances?

- The above point really doesn't bother me.

- Nikki Bella wants to bite John Cena's butt.

- Why are Eva Marie (the red haired cardboard girl) and Jojo on this show again? I understand the whole training to be a wrestler thing, but they are not a huge part of the plot. Maybe they will be in the next few weeks, but this show would be fine without them.

Next week on Diva on Divas: Natty has her bachelorette party, even though relationship and mommy issues surround her relationship. Will she hook up with the guy who turned her bronze or marry the guy who cancels birthday sex to hang with mom?

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