Diva on Divas Week 3: Dot Net's resident diva on Total Divas - Breaking up is hard to do, as are moving, talking, having feelings, yeast infections, and (coincidentally) wrestling!

Posted in: Pruett's Blog, MUST-READ LISTING
Aug 15, 2013 - 03:30 PM

By Will Pruett

I was lied to. They said this would only take eight weeks. What's the deal with these six new episodes? Should I be mad? I guess I'll keep watching, but only for you.

When I was 19, I broke up with a girl. Actually, when I was 19, I broke up with a few girls. 19 was good for falling in and out of like, but pretending it was love. At the time, this seemed to be the most dramatic thing in the world. What could ever be worse than these painful conversations and tears (Their's, not mine. I'm a man.)? Then I grew up.

Jojo, if I'm not mistaken (and I'm not about to fact check myself for a Total Divas article) is 19. She broke up with her boyfriend on this episode. It was a pretty serious crisis for her. You see, he was the love of her life and she had to choose between him and wrestling. What choice should she had made?

We all know Jojo had a 1% chance of actually marrying this guy. Again, she's 19 and barely starting a new, very demanding career. Why was this relationship the central focus of the episode? Her boyfriend (who's name I cannot recall) was introduced, then broken up with immediately. He was a prop, meant to give Jojo something to do prior to getting concussed.

Are all men used as props on this show? This argument could be made. The Uso dating a Funkadactyl was certainly a prop on this episode. He was recycling Nikki Bella's story of wanting to get married to someone else in the business. Sure, he was already engaged to her, but he is putting the date-setting pressure on. This Uso (who is referred to as John on the show, so I don't know if he is Jimmy or Jay) eventually was forced to sell a head-scissors from his upset fiancé in a match presumably featured on Superstars.

This moment was sold as a shoot, which was also weird.

Daniel Bryan is a prop to inspire conflict between The Bella Twins. John Cena is basically Nikki's confessional. The Funkadactyl not dating an Uso's boyfriend was there to inspire conflict as well (and possibly to inspire domestic violence on a future "very special" episode). The show isn't about men, but it couldn't exist without them. Look at the lack of attention Natalya has received. Is it a coincidence that she's the only character without a visible boyfriend on the show up to this point?

I'm not trying to stand up for the rights of men on a show called Total Divas. The show is totally about divas. The presentation of the men in their lives should be secondary. This is just an interesting subject I could come up with more than one paragraph about. I'm fairly sure this won't be the last breakup we see this season (something has to fill those extra six episodes).

Poor Jojo also couldn't catch a break on this episode. Not only did she break up with her boyfriend (a traumatic experience) but she also suffered a concussion (a head traumatic experience). Maybe she'll catch a break next week.

Picking up the pieces:

- Brie Bella (the best Bella) and "Daniel" Bryan Danielson are moving to Phoenix. Who moves to Phoenix? I know they're on the road a ton, but it's like permanently 1,000 degrees there.

- Im not quite sure I followed Nikki Bella's rage about Brie moving. I know websites and eBay auctions are hard to manage, but they see each other weekly at Raw/Smackdown/other shows anyways. They could discuss things and pass used gear at those shows. I think I just solved this problem. I would like to be their relationship counselor.

- What was the deal with the yeast infection talk on this show? These are details I would hesitate to share with others. Maybe I don't understand because I don't have a vagina, but I probably would advertise my yeast infectedness.

- I wonder how many people had to Google camel-toe and yeast infection after this show? I wonder how many people were happy, then immediately horrified when they did.

- How cool is it to see Sara Del Ray on WWE television? I know most people would like to see her kicking ass in the Diva's Division, but I'll settle for her having a full time job in wrestling with full benefits instead of being on the indie scene. Healthcare is expensive y'all.

- Nikki Bella admitted to not being that smart on this show. Suddenly dating John Cena is making more and more sense.

- But really, Phoenix? Ew.

Next week on Diva on Divas: breast implants, more moving, Natalya in lingerie, and probably more yelling. Divas love yelling.

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