Diva on Divas Week 12: Dot Net's resident diva on Total Divas - A handy guide to living with John Cena, Trinity's dad visits angering her Uso, Eva Marie tries to become more plastic than cardboard, and more!

Posted in: Pruett's Blog, MUST-READ LISTING
Dec 4, 2013 - 11:51 AM

By Will Pruett

You thought I would be taking time off for the holiday, but this diva never rests. Let's drudge on through this magical episode...

So, you want to live with John Cena? You think it's going to be easy? How wrong can you be. Nikki Bella learned a lesson I'm sure many before her learned on this episode. She learned the rules of living with John Cena. I'm going to try to break a couple of these rules down for you, as a helpful guide just in case you ever find yourself living with Cena.

Rule 1: Never spill anything on the floor, and, if you do, immediately wipe it up. Even if it is water, the floor is very important. Remember, if Cena tires of you, your job is to leave in 40 hours or less. It will take far longer than 40 hours to replace the floor.

Rule 2: Never burn a candle. Even though it is a very small flame and very little could go wrong, your happiness is not worth the risk to John Cena. He doesn't care if the candles smell nice or set a romantic mood. He doesn't want them there.

Rule 3: Personal photos are for people with personal connections. If you want to put up a picture of Cena's personal trainer, you can. If you want to put a photo of yourself and Cena up, please refrain from doing so. John Cena does not want to be constantly reminded of temporary relationships that could end in 40 hours (or less).

Rule 4: The kitchen is much like you, there for looks and not substance. Please do not try to get to know the kitchen intimately. Leave the cabinets closed. Do not touch the pots and pans. Do not put food in the places food should normally go. Kitchens are meant to be seen, not heard.

Rule 5: Use a coaster, even on surfaces that should not require one. Coasters protect the countertops, which are far more important than you and will be prettier for longer.

Rule 6: When John Cena says "you can do whatever you want for dinner" what he means is for you to pick a restaurant. Cooking is not a part of the John Cena lifestyle.

I hope, with these rules, you find yourself having an easy time living with John Cena. Don't forget your box of sex toys and your sexy nurse outfit. John Cena has a few very important expectations of his partners in cohabitation.

Picking up the pieces:

- Where the cuss word are Brie Bella and "Daniel" Bryan Danielson? They're the stars of this show and they were hardly featured in this episode. It just feels wrong.

- John Cena was defeated in a game of Chess by his personal trainer on this episode. I can only expect him to beat his trainer multiple times in the next few weeks to get his win back. No one checkmates John Cena without vengeance.

- I felt bad for The Uso dating Trinity on this episode. I also wondered how two WWE stars on national TV living together could not afford at least a two bedroom apartment. Just think of how much of the conflict in this episode could have been avoided if a guest bed would have been present.

- Vinny tried his hand at wrestling, after being pressured by Ariane. The best part of this was seeing how ridiculously bad he was at every part of wrestling. I was almost sad to see Bill DeMott be so nice to Vinny. I wanted the old Tough Enough style DeMott to do some good, old fashioned hazing. We can't always get what we want though.

- If I date Ariane, do I get a WWE try out? It's still not worth it, but it's a decent way to get into WWE.

- Eva Marie's action figure is going to be just as animated and personable as she is. I hesitate to call her plastic, so I'll stick with cardboard. Eva's excitement over being scanned almost made me forget how staged the whole scene was. Isn't she supposed to not move her face when being scanned?

- Has any WWE action figure made for a Diva ever actually looked like said Diva?

- Jojo was noticeably absent on this show. I guess cameras aren't allowed on the tour bus of the wrestler she happens to be dating (see what I did there?).

- If we don't see some Bryan and Brie soon, I will be quite sad. Come on, Total Divas. You know they're the best.

Next week in Diva on Divas: The Uso dating Trinity's facepaint will be awesome, Natalya's cat dies, Nikki tries to decide which of the two picture frames to use, and more!

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