By Will Pruett
"I've got a sack of balls on my nose." - "Daniel" Bryan Danielson
When you get married, people give you a ton of things. It's a really nice, but slightly antiquated ritual. When I got married, things were no different. My friends and family brought gifts and were happy (hopefully) to give them to us. It was a pretty neat way for my wife and I to begin the next chapter of our lives. Of course, when one receives gifts, they sometimes get gifts they don't want. This is one of those stories.
Nattie had a very sweet idea on this episode, but the execution was actually quite terrible. She wanted to give Nikki Bella a nice housewarming gift to make her marriage consolation prize feel more home-ish. She wanted to give Bryan and Brie a wedding gift that would always make the happy couple think of Nattie. She decided to paint pictures of the two couples (Nikki and John Cena/Bryan and Brie). On the surface, this seems like a very nice idea.
Sadly, these two pictures were hideous. Perhaps "hideous" isn't a strong enough word. You know how wrestlers occasionally retweet pictures of themselves drawn by young fans? Think of those, but ten times worse, and then imagine having the full knowledge that they were painted by an adult who is quite proud of them. It's sad, right?
Nikki and John looked like they were two parts of the same organism. Neither one of them had a face and, for some unknown reason, Nikki was attached to Cena's body as well. It was pretty bad. The painting of Bryan and Brie was more of a portrait-style than an action shot and it included their adorably ugly dog, Josie. Bryan mentioned his testicular nose when he saw it. Brie was horrified by all of the ugly.
The saddest part of this is the effort that had to go into it. Nattie sat outside by her pool and painted for hours. T.J. quietly thanked goodness that he while she is painting he wouldn't have to find an excuse not to have sex with her. They attached Brie and Bryan's painting to the top of a very small car using undergarments. They put up with the painting falling off of the car. They really tried hard to give a horrible gift no one wanted.
Nattie just doesn't seem likable on this show. She started as the old lioness in the Diva's division, but as each episode of Total Divas goes by, I wish she would leave the show.
Picking up the pieces:
- Sandra the seamstress has a nickname for Eva Marie's vagina; Miss Lucy. God bless you, Sandra. This made me laugh for about twenty minutes.
- Packaging peanuts aren't environmentally friendly.
- Ariane couldn't have been more desperate for attention. She was walking down the street literally begging for the paparazzi to take pictures of her. It was kind of sad. She honestly believed having some random dudes with cameras taking her picture would somehow sell more of her terrible music.
- Even sadder, when she couldn't get the attention she really needed, she had to find someone slightly more famous than her and pseudo-sexually train with them in order to get mentioned on some unknown corners of the internet. Poor Ariane. She is consistently confused about what's important in life.
- Eva Marie and Summer Rae wanted to form a tag team. A problem arises when Summer realizes Eva is not actually a trained wrestler. Eva is terrible in their practice sessions. This upsets Summer, who, like everyone else on this show, is on a mission to find her "one opportunity" that's always the next opportunity.
- The funny thing about all the drama concerning Summer Rae was how right she was. Eva, although she has been quite nice, can't actually wrestle. If she isn't training to wrestle, why should she be rewarded by being in a 49er's themed divas tag team?
- Could Mark Carano seem more perverted than he did when he said "This is the good girls room?"
- Ending the show with Trinity's injury was sad. Stupid Aksana. Why do you have to be terrible at things?
Next week on Diva on Divas: The girls all go down to Mexico (the good part, not the part Marissa Cooper ODed in during season one of The OC for Brie's Brie-mode bachelorette party, Eva Marie confronts her past alcoholism while everyone else gets drunk, and Trinity deals with having her face crushed.
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