By Will Pruett
My heart was more broken than Natalya's nose may or may not be when we had no show last week. I found a way to recover. Let's get on with the fun!
John Cena is a hero to men attempting to avoid marriage everywhere. Shrines should be made in his image. People should hang pictures of him on their walls. He is a true inspiration to those who never want to be happily married. John Cena seems to be a militant bachelor who will never let his longterm relationship turn into anything resembling an important commitment. Way to go, John.
Full disclosure: I am happily married. It's basically the best thing ever. I love my wife. She loves me. We have a pretty good thing going. I am not the avoiding marriage type.
With this out of the way, let's check out the remarkable ways John Cena has avoided marriage. First of all, he bought Nikki a car. Last year, on the premier episode of Total Divas, Cena gave Nikki a custom Range Rover. This was in place of a ring, which is what she really wanted. She saw something red and shiny and somehow got distracted. On the plus side, it's a totally nice car.
He invited her to move in with him amidst a ton of wedding pressure and invited her many boxes of shoes and vibrators into his house. He even let her cook in his kitchen. This was, somehow, a strange and wonderful thing for Cena, who never knew food could actually be cooked in this room. John Cena's arrangement with Nikki would quickly implode when he asked her to sign an agreement limiting the legal ramifications of the relationship ending. Poor John. No one understands him.
Cena reconciled with Nikki on a pier in San Diego with either roses or wine or both. This was a big moment where he said he might, sometime in the future, kind of, if he really needed to, sort of, at another time, possibly consider the idea of a longterm relationship someone may call marriage. This was a major step.
Now, John Cena has taken avoid marriage to a whole new level. Heck, they'll probably have to name this level after him. This is some advanced-level stuff. Honestly, at this level, I cannot see John Cena. I don't believe anyone can see John Cena with where he is currently ranking on the avoiding-marriage-o-meter.
John Cena a bought Nikki Bella a house. I'll say this again. John Cena bought his girlfriend a house instead of marrying her. He decided it was simpler to make her think he was cheating on her while talking with an escrow agent instead of actually proposing. I don't even know what to think.
John Cena is remarkable. Way to go, John boy.
Picking up the pieces:
- Natty is crazy. TLC isn't anywhere close to being WWE's Golden Globes. It's more like the SAG Awards or the BAFTAs. It's within range of WrestleMania (WWE's Academy Awards), but it doesn't really have any bearing. Natalya's twisting reality on this show is crazy town.
- Speaking of twisting reality, Natalya was suffering from a nose injury situation threatening her TLC title shot and it was possibly aggravated on Old School Raw. The only issue with this is Old School Raw having happened in January and TLC was in December. Very few people will notice this, but it is noticeable. I'm a weird person for doing so. Don't be like me, buy into the narrative instead.
- Trinity almost had a bedazzling crisis on her hands, luckily, she had a relative of some sort who could help her bedazzle all night long so her bedazzled unitard would be ready for her big music video shoot.
- Did the music video shoot feel like an episode of Saved By The Bell to anyone else? I was ready for Trinity to reveal an addiction to caffeine pills right then and there. She was so excited. So excited. So scared right now.
- I have never danced so hard my pants split. Tomorrow is another day to try, though.
- Jimmy/Jon Uso is a music video superstar.
- Sandra comes on all of Trinity and Jon's adventures.
- Summer Rae apparently can slap like no one else. She broke Nattie's nose. It could have been worse for Natty. She could have been forced to wrestle Aksana.
- Nikki Bella apparently shows too much boob to sell a house. Who knew?
Next week on Diva on Divas: Jimmy/Jon and Trinity get their marriage on, Eva Marie looks very sad, other things, and more other things.
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