By Will Pruett

These rankings are scientifically calculated by the Rank-o-matic 4000 and verified by four out of five top scientists in the wrestling arts. They are to be taken solemnly and with absolute seriousness.

1. Brie Bella. I don't even know if she had a match this week, but Total Divas is coming back and that's all it takes for the better Bella to rank number one.

2. Steve Austin. Today is March 16 (3/16), which shall forever in my mind be known as Steve Austin day. While something much more important took the number one spot this week, I do have to rank Austin pretty high for this reason. If you ever want someone to "drop some 4-1-1 on you" or "open up a can *sound effect* of audio whoop-ass" Austin is your guy.

3. The guy taking a picture of Daniel Bryan in the ring right next to him during Occupy Raw. I want to congratulate the guy right next to Daniel Bryan who decided, instead of living in the moment and enjoying the experience of Occupy Raw, to capture it on his phone, likely for Instagram (slap a filter on that ish!). Way to think about the future, guy! You're like the one person at the concert watching it through their phone instead of with their eyes.

4. Daniel Bryan. It's not every week a guy can find his way into the WrestleMania main event by filling the ring with people. Congratulations Daniel Bryan! Not only are you (likely) in the main event of WrestleMania, you also get to have a possible show-stealing dramatic encounter with Triple H! On top of all of this, you're still engaged to Brie Bella. Yes!

5. A 7' Trophy of Andre the Giant. The best and weirdest rumor was started this week when people believed the statue of Andre the Giant for the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal would be life size. This lead to me imagining a wrestler attempting to jump up and down and celebrate, then instantly being crushed by gold Andre. I know this won't happen, but it would be a hilarious way to write off R-Truth.

6. Willow. Congratulations to Jeff Hardy on being able to wrestle in velour sweatpants these days. Sure, it's an over-aggressive and kind of awkward alter-ego setup, but the man looks comfortable. Comfort matters.

7. "Chubby". Something about hearing Triple H tell a Daniel Bryan fan participating in Occupy Raw to "Give it to me, chubby" filled me with glee. This will go down as the wrestling line of the year. Thank you Chubby, Triple H, Daniel Bryan, and everyone involved.

8. Natalya vs. A.J. Lee. I'm not a fan of where either of these characters are right now, but they had an awesome match on Main Event this week. I have to give it up for Lee and Natalya's match. Stop reading now and go watch it, then finish the article. It's cool, I'll wait.

See? Wasn't Natalya vs. A.J. awesome? You're welcome.

9. Stephanie McMahon. Who is a better heel right now? When it's time to show weakness, Stephanie is awesome. When it's time to freak out, Stephanie has it covered. When it's time to be overconfident and eventually set up the big moment, Stephanie is there. Some fans can't stand her, but Stephanie is doing some phenomenal character work right now.

10. Joseph Park... Or nothing at all. Having Abyss back, for just one week, has already made me long for the tired comedy act Joseph Park was doing. Something about Park recognized (and celebrated) how absurd the act was. The Abyss character does nothing but take itself too seriously and gain weight.

Just missing the cut: Undertaker, Triple H, Batista, Hulk Hogan, The Wyatt Family, John Cena when he doesn't sing, Sheamus, Christian, Rockstar Spud, Ethan Carter III, and El Torito.

Nowhere near this list: Dixie Carter, The BroMans, Nikki Bella, Eva "The Cardboard Diva" Marie, John Cena when he sings, Lei'D Tapa, and B-Boy.

Will Pruett writes about wrestling in a facetious and often humorous way. Feel free to email him at itswilltime@gmail.com or to follow him and interact on twitter at twitter.com/itswilltime.

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