Powell's WWE Extreme Rules predictions: Lock predictions on Daniel Bryan vs. Kane, the all-important WeeLC match, the handicap match, and that other stuff, plus a shameless attempt to score free tickets
By Jason Powell
The following predictions are made with 100 percent certainty following a late night phone conversation with Vince McMahon. Then again, Vince sounded a lot like my buddy Pooch and I did have a few beers at the bowling alley yesterday after the Boston Bruins' awesome comeback win over the Montreal Canadiens on Saturday. Hell, I may have dreamed all of this. Keep that in mind before you bet your house and firstborn son on the pay-per-view. Play it safe by betting your second born son. They're usually stupid anyway.
Daniel Bryan vs. Kane in an Extreme Rules match for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship: WWE creative deserves a lot of credit for breathing life back into the Kane character over the course of just two weeks. Corporate Kane challenging the WWE World Heavyweight Championship had about as much appeal as Emma Decody's love story with the teenage pot dealer on Bates Motel. Let's hope Vince doesn't watch that show because Brie Bella will be carrying an oxygen tank around in no time. What's old is new again, and old Kane is a solid foe for Bryan. It doesn't play to the David vs. Goliath approach that will make money for WWE once they start lining up Bryan with opponents that paranoid fans view as a threat to actually take the title. Kane is not that but he is a solid credibility building stepping stone for Bryan. All of that said, here's hoping they don't intend to drag this program out another month.
Daniel Bryan retains the WWE World Heavyweight Championship.
Triple H, Batista, and Randy Orton vs. Roman Reigns, Seth Rollins, and Dean Ambrose in a six-man tag: I want to be more excited than I am about Evolution reuniting for a match against The Shield. I thought Ric Flair might be able to pump this up on Monday, but I could not have been more wrong. Flair's poorly written (assuming he got his lines right) and poorly delivered endorsement of The Shield on Monday was more awkward than Donald Sterling attending the Image Awards. All signs point to Batista disappearing soon to help hype the movie "Guardians of the Galaxy", which is odd when you consider that the cast also includes Bradley Cooper, Vin Diesel, Zoe Saldana, Benicio Del Toro, John C. Reilly, Glenn Close, and Michael Rooker (who played "America's Favorite Racist" Merle on "The Walking Dead"). I guess if all those people are too busy to appear on Arsenio Hall one night, the producers have Batista on standby. Anyway, with Batista on his way off to a place where skinny jeans and Justin Bieber jacket are considered the norm, I expect a win from The Shield here.
The Shield beat Evolution.
John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt in a cage match: The build for this match was very intriguing. They told the story that was told out of nowhere during their WrestleMania match. It might be the first time a storyline has built to a pay-per-view match that has already taken place. Nevertheless, they grabbed my attention by having Cena show signs of frustration with the fan vote that led him to face all three members of The Wyatt Family. Granted, I did not expect a Cena heel turn, but I was still curious to see where the unorthodox storyline would go. I also loved the children's choir. It had to be a family bonding moment for some, as it's probably the first performance that some of the fathers of those children actually wanted to attend. And just when I was ready to praise WWE for telling a good story, they decided to undo everything by having Cena tell Renee Young that he's okay and everything is back to normal again. In other words, don't order the pay-per-view match to see if Cena's okay, order it because he threatened to stick his foot up Wyatt's ass for the second straight month. So close yet so far...
Bray Wyatt wins only after Cena shows he could have won at least three times had it not been for Luke Harper and Erick Rowan blocking his exit.
Big E vs. Bad News Barrett for the Intercontinental Title: I enjoyed the tournament that set up Barrett as the No. 1 contender, but I must confess that I lost some interest when Barrett noted that he was going for his fourth Intercontinental Championship and Rob Van Dam said he was trying to win the title for the seventh time. It's usually best to leave out big numbers like that for secondary titles. Yes, I want this to be the time when a new champion is crowned and WWE uses the title change to launch a new approach to the secondary championship. I wanted the same thing during Barrett's last three title reigns and pretty much every time the IC strap passed around. "I'm sorry, baby, I swear this time will be different."
Bad News Barrett wins the Intercontinental Title.
Paige vs. Tamina Snuka for the WWE Divas Championship: The misuse of Tamina Snuka is coming back to haunt WWE. Had she been consistently portrayed as a dominant badass, then this match would pack more of a punch. I am still looking forward to seeing what the new Divas Champion and Tamina can do. Will A.J. Lee show up or will she be watching Game 2 of the Blackhawks vs. Wild series this afternoon? If she does return, that means C.M. Punk has an extra ticket for future games. I'm 20 minutes from The Xcel Energy Center. Hey, Punk, call me if you have an extra ticket for Games 3, 4, and 6 (yes, I expect a game six). Yep, I worked in A.J. Lee just to make a desperate plea for playoff tickets. I have no shame.
Paige retains the WWE Divas Championship (and I watch games 3,4, and 6 at home).
Cesaro vs. Jack Swagger vs. Rob Van Dam in a Triple Threat match: I wonder if Cesaro can get Minnesota Vikings tickets? Anyway, Cesaro has cooled off over the last couple weeks. This seems like a good place to heat him up again.
Alexander Rusev vs. R-Truth and Xavier Woods in a handicap match: Lana could save us all a lot of trouble by yelling "crush" as soon as the bell rings.
Alexander Rusev destroys Truth and Woods.
El Torito vs. Hornswoggle in a WeeLC match: What in the world will WWE hang from the rafters that these two will have to pull down to win the match? It's not like there's a title belt on the line. Maybe WWE can write TNA a check for the goofy X symbol they use when they have Ultimate X matches just to get more X Division wrestlers on the card. Maybe it will be Short Sleeve Sampson, who will reportedly be at the pay-per-view. Unless he's Batista's replacement in Evolution going forward, then I assume he'll be involved in this match. I hope WWE gets totally ridiculous by having Big Show serve as the special referee. I want whatever the prize they are fighting to retrieve to be about six feet above the ring so that Show has to be mindful not to hit his chest on it. Give me a mini Jeff Hardy performing a Swanton off the ladder. I know the real Jeff Hardy doesn't work for WWE, but it's not like TNA is using the Jeff Hardy persona these days. I want mini Druids to carry off the loser. I want a midget beating off in a trash can. Wait, TNA already did that. I want Hornswoggle to dry hump Miss Piggy. I want Tyrion Lannister show up late in the match and order Bronn to slay Los Matadores live on WWE Network. The more absurd this gets the better.
We All Win.
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