4/13 Gutt Reactions Blog: NXT's terminal velocity, the world's hardest board game, and the greatest WWE Studios movie never made


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Gutteridge's Blog


4/13 Gutt Reactions Blog: NXT's terminal velocity, the world's hardest board game, and the greatest WWE Studios movie never made
2014-04-13 10:35:22


By Darren Gutteridge

Welcome to the Gutt Reactions blog, a slightly skewed look back at the last week in wrestling! Warning: there be attempted humour here.

NXTaking Over

I hate to be that type of guy who takes credit for things he had nothing to do with, but NXT is taking over and it is CLEARLY all due to my exceptional coverage. Take a look at the champions roll-call if you don't believe me. While Ambrose and The Usos lack strong ties with the developmental system, Daniel Bryan was part of the first season of the original NXT, Big E was the second ever NXT Champion, and Paige is STILL the NXT Women's champion. And what is truly stunning is the ever decreasing time frame between call up and success.

Bryan and Big E took a few months to capture their first pieces of silverware, but Paige has streamlined the system so well that she was able to pick up a belt on night one! Where will it end?! Could we see yet-to-debut Solomon Crowe walk out on Raw next week and take the US title? Is a scenario where Mark and Jay Briscoe from ROH completely skip developmental, and win tag team gold on their first night, out of the question?

Don't worry. Like always, I am here to show you the light, as I know where this all leads. I want you all to write this down, so when it happens next year, you can all tell your friends that Darren John Gutteridge was the first to predict it. I think the only logical conclusion is that, at WrestleMania 31, the WWE World Heavyweight Championship will be around the 1 year old waist of Max Stratus, son of Trish, as he struggles to stand next to his valet, Lyric Phoenix, daughter of Beth and Edge.

I'll wait to see just how right I am (heres a hint – very).

A battle for the ages

I don't think it's possible to conceive a more American week than Captain America: The Winter Soldier launching the same week as WrestleMania. Unless of course there was some way to cross them over, mano-a-mano. If we can have Scooby-Doo and WWE teaming up, we can have the WWE vs. The Avengers damn it!

And to be fair, the odds are fairly stacked in one direction – the WWEs. Seriously, take the man of the hour Captain America and put him against his doppelgänger John Cena. An All-American clash for the ages between two ultimate males, and for once, Cap isn't the most patriotic person in this fight. Did Captain America announce that Osama Bin Laden had been "caught and compromised to a permanent end"? No he did not. Score one for WWE!

You are no doubt wondering how they would deal with Hulk. Obviously, Superstars are known for their strength, but even Mark Henry at his peak couldn't pick up Hulk's little finger. So this is more about stalling the jolly green giant, and that duty would fall to the Undertaker. Why? Durrr, he can't die! It doesn't matter if Hulk rips him in half, as Undertaker sees death as a mild inconvenience at best. A few druids and a purple velvet lined casket and he's back!

Look out, it's Iron Man swooping down on the fray! Don't worry, JTG is here!!!

"JTG?" you no doubt asked. Yep, he is the ideal candidate for Iron Man, thanks to his immaculate powers of invisibility! Tony Stark can't hit what he can't see!

And that leaves the biggest obstacle of them all, the Asgardian Thor, and in their ranks, WWE has the ideal counter to his electrical powers. Yes, Thor will rain lightning down on the field, but luckily, Bray Wyatt has the astounding ability to blow out electricity! Yes, he's only demonstrated it on lamps so far, but when your back is against the wall, you step up God damn it!

And of course, if all else fails, the WWE boys have the "go-nuclear" option of Triple H, capable of burying 100s of people in 5 seconds flat!

Bored games

Now presenting the newest WWE board game – Guess Who: The Divas Edition! Lets listen to Timmy and Billy enjoying the game, shall we?

Timmy: "Does she wear a lot of clothes?"

Billy: "No"

T: #Flicks down Natalya# "Does she have a lot of heart?"

B: "Yes!"

T: #Keeps everybody up# "Is she occasionally bitchy?"

B: "Yes!"

T: #Keeps everybody up# "Is she prone to errors?"

B: "Yes!"

T: #Keeps everybody up# "Is she good in the ring otherwise?"

B: "Yes!"

T: #Knocks down everyone but Paige and AJ# "Is she American?"

B: "No"

T: "OK, it's Paige!"

B: "No, it's Natalya!"

ORDER THE FUTILITY NOW!!!!!!

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